Depletion

.... a title or a state of mind? "a reduction in something, or the act of reducing it:" (Collins, s.d.)

Alternative definitions also speak of using up (resources) or emptying of a principle substance (Merriam Webster, s.d.). Each description speaks of both my intent to reduce further the saturation and also the apparent depletion of my personal and artistic self's internal resources which is reflected in the time taken between the writing of the last blog and me finally putting pen to paper, albeit metaphorically, to write this one - with the fifth portrait being worked in the intervening weeks.

At the point of creation the artistic self sought to create a piece that further depleted the usage of colour, tone and line to a point between the full monochromatic 'Reduction' and that of something that becomes minimalist and linear. Furthermore, there was a seeking for something, unknown, that starts to pull back to a point whereby the realism becomes disrupted through the increased depletion of saturation of tone of the hair, the removal of colour from the lips and the softening of facial form. I question whether human vanity and personal self-awareness played its part as the aforementioned softening of the face itself, particularly that of its perimeters also softens the natural lines and sagging of ageing skin and its underlying frameworks: is the subconsciousness of the personal self wanting to see a younger self or at least an impression of lost girlishness? Undergraduate studies, and continued social media and media observation, informed/s me of how societal pressure continues to impact upon how we see ourselves in the mirror and its impact on bodily self-perception: regardless of gender we, and I speak collectively as part of mid-life society, are coerced or even expected to retain youthful, i.e. slim, figures and young skin with the plus-sized movement that embraced differing body shapes slowly, but noticeably, being forced back into the shadows once more. Moreover, I note that there is increasing abuse for those who do not fit into perceived societal 'norms' - it does often feel that since the Covid 19 pandemic there has been a reversal in attitudes and acceptance of those who do not, cannot, or even do not wish to fit into a specified 'box'. I question whether I should revisit my earlier studies in order to consider how, or what, has changed in the 4 years since I undertook the qualitative research but I am also aware that it would have not bearing on this project or the fungal work of our practice at this point in time - but I also don't dismiss its potential so rather than dismiss the idea I am merely shelving it until it may be relative once more. However, I digress, so now return to the questioning of whether the personal self is subconsciously yearning to look in a mirror and not see the wrinkles of middle age or the increasing softness of her jawline that I struggle with or dislike? I feel survivors guilt for even thinking this and henceforth ask my self, not the artistic or neurodiverse, but me whether the depletion of the form and colour instead speaking of an acceptance of the face that bears the marks of lived experiences and the inevitable passing of time? I have spoken in early blog posts of siting the project within a phenomenological context if: " Phenomenology is a type of research that seeks to explain the nature of things through the way people experience them. It translates literally as the “study of phenomena.” In other words, it’s the study of the meaning these things (or phenomena) have in the minds of the audience you’re studying." (s.d., 2023)

or

"Phenomenology is concerned with the study of experience from the perspective of the individual, ‘bracketing’ taken-for-granted assumptions and usual ways of perceiving." (Lester, s.d.)

Both definitions, if I consider them within the context of this project, encourage critical thinking around the narrative of the piece from the perspective, or minds, of the corporeal self if I am to consider the personal self not as a state of consciousness or spirituality but as a physical human being. These blogs could be deemed to be interviews, critical discussions and participant observation (Lester, s.d.) with my personal, artistic or neurodiverse self's as I seek to explain or study the experiences seen within the lines, folds and textures of my physical facial self including the individual features.

The portraits themselves become visual case studies as I analyse each feature for their individual, but interconnecting and perhaps even intra-active, narratives with the resolved, if any art works is ever fully finished, piece becoming a summary or conclusion of the findings. A conscious decision therefore, and I make the distinction from sub-conscious or intuitive intentionally, was made to retain the colours of the iris as this creates both a point of focus for the viewer but also a point where the eyes of the viewer can naturally rest. Additionally, the eyes, my eyes, in each portrait have been called sad, emotional or having an intense focus by the public audience of social media: and here it is worth noting the pose is based on Robert Lenkiewicz's sketch of me as a small child whereby that same focus was due to a dislike, or fear, of his physical appearance including apparently his straggly beard. In an earlier blog I spoke of questioning whether this early portrait and the artist himself were part of the entangled agencies, a constituent, that is part of intra-active becomings whilst also speaking of seeing in a mirror not just a reflection of myself but also the aforementioned jowls and wrinkles. Each portrait, each line, each mark is also a constituent part of these becomings but is the agency that of the personal, neurodiverse or artistic self? do these, or even can these, separate but intertwined self's that form my whole personality have individual agency? I am not talking about the splitting of personalities but rather the separation of a sense of otherness into individual component selfs which creates the potential for the ability to be able to step back and view a problem, situation, emotions or even in the case of art during its making or when it becomes resolved, from a space of criticality or even a safe space whether physically, visually or mentally.

To explain what I mean - as humans, particularly in the human-centric Anthropocene, we each have different 'faces' i.e. the work person, the partner, the parent, the child and so forth with each one having differing roles within contemporary societal constructions - and here I step into very new philosophical territory so bear me as this is less research, but more self questioning on the page. Henceforth what I am referring to is the sense of self within each role and the sense of otherness that can be created when one self takes precedence over the other due to the time of day or physical and social situations. I would argue, therefore, that each self, if they are to be considered separate but intertwined co-constituents, is part of those aforementioned entangled agencies as they enable inter and intra-active becomings - what emerges does so from within the entanglement.

Within this project therefore, I must ask each sense of self, what is it that is emerging, as the piece progresses in what is often a push-pull process? By this I mean I often layer pastels through mark making and blending until something becomes too saturated, murky or too opaque meaning I pull it back through a removal of layers before again adding more layers in the form of the deepening of tones whether shadows or highlights - before repeating and refining through ongoing critical evaluation. This process means I have to trust what other artists will recognise as the ugly-duckling phase, the point where the art work appears to take on its own agency as it refuses, or resists, to be, to become or to emerge. The art work becomes sympoietic as it makes-with, as "nothing makes itself; noting is really autopoietic or self-organizing" (Haraway, 2016) due to the interaction between the human holobiont, that is my self, or artistic self, as the artist and that of the materials. Research also informs me how "humans are holobiont and interact with thousands of different microorganisms that coat our skin and line our gut, living alongside our own cells." (Gilbert, 2024) which provides an unexpected, almost ashamedly, connection to fungi as they live on and within us as they are vital part of our very being. Therefore, it would be reasonable to assume that fungi are also part of the materiality of the art itself - and here I am reminded of a quote by Sterflinger and Pinar: "the question has to be raised: whether the process of bio-deterioration of cultural heritage can or should be stopped under all circumstances, or whether we have to accept it as a natural and an implicit consecution of its creation." Although, I have, once more, digressed the issue of biodeterioration within my home studio also becomes relevant in terms of how I preserve the art work of this portrait series if I am to keep them beyond the parameters of this project particularly as we move into the colder and damper winter months. I am reminded of the presence of fungi on, within and around my physical body and within, on and around my human-centric urban space. Moreover, the growing understanding of the sympoeitic nature of my own physical body has the potential to feed into future portraits - how would I represent this? do I need to? or does this blog, and future blogs, become an intrinsic part of the art itself as they explain, critically evaluate and narrate each image produced? I am aware of a self critique of what it is to be human, of my interconnected and entwined selfs, of the research taking me once more into the realms of new materialism and hence deepening this unexpectedly, and maybe even profound introspective project. The agency of my personal self is continuing to choose what to reveal or conceal but it is also giving the agency to the viewer, the public audience to decide the narrative of each portrait or to consider the meaning behind the series. "We don't make ourselves starting with a blank slate, instead we are thrown into a world of radical interdependence" (Hsu, 2021) - I theorized at the beginning that the project started with a blank page but would now argue that the page was not in fact blank, or empty, as it was produced through the materiality of industrial processes before becoming a constituent part of the intra-action of artistic creation.

..... and now to come back to the title and question at the beginning of this blog:

Depletion .... a title or a state of mind? During the process of making on reflection the depletion was a state of mind - the neurodiverse and personal self both affecting the artistic self through a feeling of being over-whelmed both mentally and emotionally simply due to life events. The depletion of the saturation of the work, and the softening of the facial form speaks of a need to rest, to take time, to think. I could not write this blog, the words would not come, the selfs (and I speak plurally) felt discombobulated, my thoughts were jumbled and chaotic. The act of drawing created rest, it created that time, to think and in retrospect instead of fighting the neurodiverse need to get this blog written before creating the next self portrait I should have listened to my body. The push-pull accumulative/depletive process became a reflection of the mental and physical well-being - the very act of creation dictated the title that speak of an underlying and deeply personal narrative. It has taken time to write this blog as other parts of work and life have taken precedence but that time has also given the artistic self time to thing, to reflect and to critically analyse, as I mention above, this portrait but in doing so it has created the acceptance of the passing of time seen in the face, my face: they are not wrinkles, they are not jowls as instead I now view them as a visual representation of personal experiences.

Footnote: the writing of this blog has created time to step back and critically analyse this piece of work in order to evolve and refine the self portrait as I take to a point of minimalism. Notes are being made of areas I want to sketch separately as I seek to work through learning and understanding the Loomis method of facial drawing including a refinement of the nose including highlights and shadows, the shape of my mouth and the softening or deepening of shadows to create further depth of form. I find myself reminded how time may not be wasted when artistic progression is made due to giving my self/s, both personal and artistic, time to think and to really look at a piece of work.

BIBLIOGRAPHY:

Dempster, B. (s.d.) 'SYMPOIETIC AND AUTOPOIETIC SYSTEMS: A NEW DISTINCTION FOR SELF-ORGANIZING SYSTEMS'

Gilbert, S. F. (2024) 'Inter-kingdom communication and the sympoietic way of life' In: Frontiers in Cell and Developmental Biology 12 At: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/cell-and-developmental-biology/articles/10.3389/fcell.2024.1427798/full (Accessed 10/09/2024).

van de Guchte, M., Blottière, H. M. and Doré, J. (2018) 'Humans as holobionts: implications for prevention and therapy' In: Microbiome 6 (1) p.81.

HOLOBIONT- A General Perspective (s.d.) At: https://www.imperial.ac.uk/a-z-research/leverhulme-centre-for-the-holobiont/blogs/holobiont--a-general-perspective/ (Accessed 10/09/2024).

Hsu, C. (2021) The Sympoiesis of Life Life-ing. At: https://cherylhsu.ca/post/2021-01-20-life-lifeing/ (Accessed 10/09/2024).

Lester, S. (s.d.) 'An introduction to phenomenological research'

McCann, C. and Kim, S. (eds.) (2016) 'Donna Haraway, “Situated Knowledges: The Science Question in Feminism and the Privilege of Partial Perspective”' In: Feminist Theory Reader. (0 ed.) Fourth Edition. | New York : Routledge, 2016. | Revised edition of: Routledge. pp.452–463. At: https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/9781317397892/chapters/10.4324/9781315680675-68 (Accessed 08/09/2024).

New Materialism - Introduction - Karen Barad, Donna Haraway, Jane Bennett, Rosi Braidotti (2023) At: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HlvZk5gKJo (Accessed 10/09/2024).

Silova, I. (2021) 'Facing the Anthropocene: Comparative Education as Sympoiesis' In: Comparative Education Review 65 (4) pp.587–616.

Sterflinger, K. and Piñar, G. (2013) 'Microbial deterioration of cultural heritage and works of art — tilting at windmills?' In: Applied Microbiology and Biotechnology 97 (22) pp.9637–9646.

What is Phenomenology in Qualitative Research? (2023) At: https://dovetail.com/research/phenomenology-qualitative-research/ (Accessed 09/09/2024).