The blank page' ... otherwise known as 'Procrastination'!
I find myself a question, and being unexpectedly philosophical - what does the blank page mean to me? is it excitement at starting a new piece of work? or is the blankness inviting the exploration of artistic media? or something else entirely?
My thoughts ponder initially on how it is the prospect of time being lost as I settle into a project, of seeing something blank and uninviting whilst understanding its transformative process into a piece of artistic work ... but it is also something more, something deeper as the blank page is where my mind gets to rest from the intrusions and disruption of everyday life. It is where the soul is excited as it seeks colour, line and form and to use those to depict a specific narrative within specialist subject. It is a photograph, that in itself captures a moment in time, can be transformed into something that becomes an interpretation of what is seen through the camera lens and which speaks of an experience that once incorporated sights, sounds and smells that become unseen to the viewer and known only to the creator. The blank page is also a memory - of learning, of evolving, of the highs and lows including some of the more colourful vocalisation of frustration. The page speaks of my own personal journey and that of academic study with the journeys being both separate and intertwined. The blank page is where I start to take a line for a walk, to paraphrase Paul Klee, I seek to push my learning and boundaries yet still further. Furthermore, I question with this blank page whether it is the start of a new series of work? one in which I feel fear as it seeks to explore my artistic relationship with my sense of self? is the series a series of instrospection where I ask myself where does the personal self stop and the artistic self start? do I including the fungi of my specialist subject? or do I finally learn to draw our beloved ancient ol' moggy and if so where does or how does he make an appearance in a series of self-portraits? how does the love of my life, my fiance and WOA's business partner, feature? what about my foodie weaknesses? aka the snacks that are normally found in and around my desk or the tipple that magically appears on days that frustration overwhelms? what parts of my life do I want to include? academic study and considerable critique, both self and group, has enabled an understanding of how our lives intertwine and influence artistic work but how much am I willing to show? ..... This brings me to ask the question whether I portray myself realistic or more disruptedly? - thinking here in the style of John Seed's Disrupted Realism, and whether the work reveals not just my age in all its unflattering glory or whether it will reveal vulnerabilities that portray not the 'bubbly' or 'confident' person people so often see, or perhaps choose to see, which is in fact merely a surface persona and autistic mask. I am intrigued by how I may take that line for a walk whose name to see what marks that I place upon each page, what early drawing exercises reappear, what colours become a part of the page and in what ratios and whether I use almost every colour within my sets of pastels or pastel pencils or whether I work within a limited range? what will be the composition? .... and is that composition pre-planned or is it something loose that enables and evolution of the piece? my background in academic study reminds me that I 'should' create thumbnail sketches, trial colours and placement of forms, but with no tutor-led assignments in theory I go straight to the page as those same preliminary sketches exist within my mind as I have worked them out as I 'conduct invisible orchestras' in solitude over sustained periods of time - a part of my process never filmed but always worked. Do I include the honesty of age - the ever increasing wrinkles and dark circles or do I use artistic licence to show the woman I see as I look in the mirror which reflects the girl within? that final question also revealing the reason for working this series as the inspiration is a childhood sketch of myself aged 5 by the artist Robert Lenkiewicz. So what will lie on that blank page? what lies within it? and how do I start a sketch of myself? do I use grid lines or work freehand? As I consider it in front of me it still appears blank but my mind is projecting itself forward, exploring its surface texture and pondering how I blend each layer of pastels and wondering at which point I make the decision to stop? does the page that is now taped to my working board beg me to completely cover it, as I am prone to do, or do I step back and stop at a point where many would consider the piece unfinished? if this is to be a new series can I explore the concept of stopping, of knowing when an artistic piece is finished, when enough is enough? Again though I ask, what does the page mean to me? am I procrastinating or am I merely giving myself time to think? I know I should be working on administrative tasks, marketing, researching and so forth but the blank page calls to me as my heart and soul crave, deeply and desperately the art and action of creation. Is the page truly blank? at the point of its creation the intent for the makers/producers is for it to be an element in someones life, a part of their creative enterprises whether personally or on professional levels so its blankness is merely an moment in time in the life of the page and representative of the concept of temporality. A find myself writing academically once more, albeit without the Harvard referencing of research in bibliographic form but with the mind of someone realising they are wanting ready to head back to academia regardless of whether it is merely as part of background research to inform the work of our artistic practice or within more formal boundaries. An acceptance of this realisation is how I find myself understanding the blank page is not necessary about what I will start within minutes but how it becomes representative of future work, future research and future understanding of complex concepts. Henceforth, the answer to my own question of what the blank page means to me is that it is blank and filled at this point in time with nothingness but to now quote Karan Barad "matter is substance in its intra-active becoming" (Barad, s.d.) with the page itself becoming matter and "is not a thing but a doing" (Barad, s.d.). The blank page itself is becoming and an intra-action between agencies ...... and hold on a second where the heck did this come from? the blank page is behind me, it is nothing more and nothing less and yet is has become something.
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